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Posts in Category:Tips & Etiquette
Sex: More Than an Orgasm

The heteronormative narrative is that sex ends when the man comes. Period, end of play, finnito. Foreplay has been strongly suggested since at least the Kama Sutra, and there's been a push to encourage post-coital play as a way to achieve female orgasm should her male partner beat her to to finish line. And all this is very, very good. 

But – what is no one comes? 

An anecdote: I was with a partner recently. He was rubbing my feet (incidentally, both the quickest way to my heart and my naughty bits), and I was moaning not dissimilarly as to when I'm having sex. I asked him, did it give him pleasure to give me pleasure in this way, too, already knowing he derived enjoyment from making me come. He predictably said yes, but not as much as when, say, he would go down on me. When I said why didn't it match, if, for argument's sake, my gratification was the same, his response was, "It makes me feel more like a man."

There is a lot of ego wrapped up in climaxing. If a man ejaculates prematurely, it is associated with shame. If he makes his female partner come, it is a source of pride; all the more if he makes her have MULTIPLE ORGASMS!! I have had many partners who are content with not finishing themselves, but are not satisfied unless they believe I have had wave after wave of ecstasy ripple through my body, without even considering if that's something I want.

Admittedly, it is often the case what I want. If it doesn't go without saying, orgasm is a wonderful sensation, but then so is good tasting food, massages, sneezing, and peeing after I've had to hold it a really, really long time. But I don't always want to have those pleasurable feelings, or to over-indulge in them when I do (the first cookie tastes great, but by the fourth, I never want to see a baked good again!). Because I am fully capable of being satisfied by sex without climaxing, I have a hard time understanding the psychology behind why it should matter which muscles contract and how often they do so.

I reckon I just prefer my sex to be more of a leisure sport rather than a competitive one.